On the Last Day of My 51st Year

It hasn’t been what I expected.

I have loved being 50. Almost none of it was what I thought it would be, but that’s pretty typical, the way my life goes. In some ways, this has been one of the hardest years of my life, but it’s also been one of the most rewarding, which are two things that go together far more often than I used to think they did.

What went wrong: I got fired from my largest source of income; I was falsely accused of several things, and had to endure a lengthy investigation; I started the year with no (consumer) debt, and ended it with $10k on a pair of credit cards; I was going to lose 20 pounds, and lost -2; I was going to publish a novel, and I didn’t. My yard is a wreck — seriously, we look like hobos — my house is filled with mismatched furniture, and I’ve lost the battle with the lawn.

What went right: everything else. Which is, really, everything.

The worst thing I did: I spent a couple of days in late February/early March feeling sorry for myself (this was just after I was fired), and because of that I did a couple of things — necessary things, I believe — exceedingly poorly. I regret that.

The best thing I did: in September last year I built a morning ritual around some of the principles of stoicism, with additions from my religious faith. Here it is — I shower, get lightly dressed, sit on my stool, write down five things I’m grateful for and one thing I forgive myself for, pray, exercise (this is usually a set of pushups to failure, or planking, or suchlike — nothing impressive), and touch the Five Talismans — the Rotary Four-Way Test Coin, the replica St. Stephen coin from Hungary, the “You Make the Difference” coin, the One Ring (reminder that I have more power than I believe), and a patch from the greatest business failure of my life, a reminder to try things that may not work. Then I finish getting dressed and out I go. It takes 20 minutes or a little more (I often spend a while in prayer), and I observe it every day I can (some days I get up too late, and have to do an attenuated version). Nothing I’ve ever done as a morning routine has been close to as impactful. It has been transformative.

What I got done: I wrote somewhere around 400,000 new words of fiction (150,000 of them in the last two months), finished writing four novels and editing three of them, published an anthology of student work for my English kids, completed a hugely successful class in Idaho (which doubled in registration for fall), got up to 50 deep pushups and 3 minutes planking, wrote 84,000 words in a month, wrote seventeen short stories, all of which will find a home somewhere, wrote two novellas (ditto), started writing on Medium, read 34 books, got hired to teach college, made enough money that we have a house, and food, and cars enough to do what we needed to. My wife and I still love each other, all my eight children are friends, and the three spouses of the married kids also love being with our family, I have a beautiful granddaughter, I can still play basketball, and I can still sing well, and I’m a better writer than I was when I started. I founded a publishing house. I did publish a nonfiction book that has now sold almost 8,000 copies. I wrote a whole unit of Roman history for a homeschool curriculum. Probably there’s other stuff, too, but that’s what I remember.

Why put this on Medium? I don’t know. My life isn’t all that interesting, even to me. But I guess I wanted a record of it, and perhaps someone will be helped by something I say.

At 51, I’m reinventing my life again. I did it five years ago, and that’s put my life on a course that led, well, here, where I’m even less locked in to any particular career or job than I ever have been (and I haven’t been very often in my 35 working years). I had eleven sources of income on my taxes this year. I’ll have fewer — I think — next year, but most of the ones that will carry over will have increased substantially.

What I think will happen next year: I’ll publish six novels, four short story collections, and two nonfiction books, my classes will be oversubscribed to the point that I have to say no to some kids and some schools, I’ll get back to Europe and have another two trips there planned for the 53rd year, I’ll have a pregnant child, and I’ll write 750,000 words. I’ll read 50 books this time around. We’ll be back out of debt again. I’ll get paid royalties! And I’ll do something really, really stupid that I’ll have to apologize for in a public way.

I’ve never been right about anything in the past, so this will probably be hilarious in a year’s time. Still. There you go. That’s the plan.

What I learned last year that will help me this year: Forgiveness is golden. Forgiving myself is hard, and not intuitive, but it matters. God is not into my suffering — He did that part for me — He just wants me to figure the right way to go, and go that way. Forgiving others is the only way to live. Carry no grudges, take no negatives forward. Being kind to others is never, ever the wrong way to go. And no matter how hard you try, if you’re doing the right thing, the honorable thing, you’ll make enemies. Accept that. Do the right thing anyway.

Nicest thing anyone said to me this year: “You’ve managed to grow older and never lose a child’s heart.”

Fifty-one years in the books. No man was ever more blessed than I am.